E3 is only hours away, and for weeks everyone has been obsessed with putting out their predictions and what they want to see. It’s a very exciting time of year for gamers.
Well, I want to have a little fun with that. Rather than adding to the noise of what I expect to see from the conferences this year, I thought I’d try something a little different. Here are eight things that have absolutely zero chance of being announced, but it would be super rad if they were.
A New Bioshock
Irrational Games no longer exists, Ken Levine is working on his own small projects, 2K owns the rights to Bioshock, and we’ve heard absolutely nothing concrete about the franchise since DLC on Bioshock Infinite wrapped up. But hey, this is a wishful thinking article, so who needs facts or news?
In all seriousness, the Bioshock franchise is hugely successful both critically and commercially, and 2K did mention in the past that 2K Marin would be working on future Bioshock titles. However, they’ve faced massive layoffs since the 2013 bust that was The Bureau: XCOM Declassified, and rumors were that they were going to be folded into another 2K Games subsidiary. Just to throw it out there, newly formed studio Hanger 13 put out Mafia 3 last year and it was pretty decent, and I don’t think they have anything else to work on right now…
And, since you asked, I’d want it to be set in space in the 70s. Call it Bioshock Cosmonaut.
Bethesda’s New IP Coming in 2017
Bethesda leadership has mentioned multiple times that the company is working on at least one big, new IP outside of Fallout and Elder Scrolls. It is actually possible that we could see an announcement of this new IP (or of the next Elder Scrolls game), but what I’m looking for here is a repeat of their 2015 press conference.
Todd Howard walks onstage and intros a trailer for a new IP. It’s a more narratively driven, third-person, open world RPG in the vein of Horizon: Zero Dawn or The Witcher 3, but this one has you playing as a big city detective in the 50s. Then from the trailer, BAM!, it transitions into a live, ten-minute gameplay demo. It has cover shooting mechanics, robust dialogue options, and a brand new game engine. And it’s coming out this year.
Actually, I don’t care what the game is — I only want to be able to hold it in my hands this November.
Sony Announces 2017 Release Date for The Last Guardian
Wait, what? This game actually came out last year? And it only took them SEVEN YEARS to release it? Nevermind, then…
Kingdom Hearts 3 and Final Fantasy VII Remake in 2018
Kingdom Hearts 3 and Final Fantasy VII Remake were both announced a few years ago, but Square Enix has been open about saying that they were way down the road. That’s understandable, considering how long it takes their studios to put out games, but it doesn’t make things less frustrating to see an amazing looking game that you know you won’t play for three years. Well, what if Square Enix committed?
Kingdom Hearts 3 coming out in April 2018 and the first part of Final Fantasy VII Remake coming out that summer, call it September to be a tad more realistic. I would say maybe, maybe there’s an actual chance that Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out Holiday 2018, with the first part of Final Fantasy VII Remake coming out maybe late 2019. But what if they both came out next year?
Sure, Kingdom Hearts 3 would still make absolutely no sense to people who haven’t obsessed over the 25 sequels/prequels/side story games that have come out. And sure, it would still be a stupid idea to launch a remake of Final Fantasy VII in separate parts, but at least we would know one way or the other. Also, put Marvel and Star Wars in Kingdom Hearts 3, but make it animated. I don’t want more of that stupid looking Pirates of the Caribbean nonsense from Kingdom Hearts 2.
Pokemon RPG Coming to the Nintendo Switch
Hey, we heard you like Pokemon! We also heard you don’t give a shit about our rushed, shallow mobile games or the “missing the point of Pokemon” fighting games? So basically you just want a new and bigger Pokemon Red/Blue/Gold/Sapphire/Diamond/Y/White/Platinum/Soul Silver on the Switch?
Well, guess what? This will never happen because Nintendo hates money and they hate you.
Microsoft Announces Full Immersion VR
Not content to embarrass Sony and its woefully underpowered PS4 Pro with what is sure to be a super-powered and super-pricey Project Scorpio, Microsoft will also announce “Full Immersion VR.”
This system comes with their brand new VR headset, motion tracking camera, pressure point gloves, omnidirectional treadmill (so you can move in any direction in real time!), plastic replica M4 gun controller, bathtub (for underwater levels), and a month of Xbox Live. It will also launch with two games (no others announced, ever) and a sticker of $6,999. Pre-order now!
The PlayStation Vita 2
I seriously hope that Sony has learned their lesson with handhelds, but a smaller part of me does think they have the balls to get out there and try it again, especially with the apparent mobile success of the Nintendo Switch.
Now, this system honestly wouldn’t be for me. The last handheld console I bought was a DS and that wasn’t until it had already been out for a few years. I don’t play games on the go, and I’d rather play a real-deal console on my big screen when I’m at home. Committing to another handheld would also divert more first-party resources away from the PS4, which isn’t something I want.
However, the PSP and Vita were solid pieces of hardware. If Sony took some lessons from the Vita, launched at a competitive price point with a solid line up of games, and came out saying that all games available on both Vita 2 and PS4 would be cross buy and cross save, I think they could get something going. But they won’t, and that’s probably the smart move.
Half-Life 3 Announced
Because what would a joke post about E3 announcements be without a reference to Half-Life 3?
So, what are your hopes and dreams (realistic or otherwise) for E3 2017? Let me know in the comments below!
Just for funsies, take a look back at my top games from E3 2015 and 2016 to see just how many games still haven’t released, or did release and ended up being disappointing… Video games!
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